Sweet Exhaustion

These past weeks since Peter’s birth have been the most exhausting I have ever experienced. For a couple days, he was ready to eat EVERY HOUR, day and night. I was exhausted, had so much to get done but couldn’t do ANY OF IT, and I was getting a little emotionally unstable! It seemed I had finally begun to fall asleep again when I’d hear Peter’s cry, begging to be cuddled and fed again.

I was encouraged to know that this is normal of newborn growth spurts, and that he should be back to a normal 2-3 hour feeding schedule within a day or two. I prayed that this would be the case.

The following night, sleeping for 2 hours in a row seemed the greatest luxury! Still, the exhaustion continues, only at different degrees. After all, we are still only sleeping for small hourly intervals! 

These first weeks of motherhood have been beautiful, but they have also been hard. I have had to realize and accept the reality of what I can practically do each day with a newborn. I have had to accept my need to heal physically after giving birth. There is a sacrifice of my independence as someone is now entirely dependent upon me. It is harder to get out early for morning walks before the heat strikes. It is harder to take my daily shower, harder to work on the blog, and harder to keep the house clean. Some days it feels like all I can do is the same routine. Feeding, burping, and changing Peter’s diapers and clothes. Tidying up the room, washing laundry, maybe getting to the dishes… but it’s hard to notice any progression. I can’t seem to get out of this daily cycle! 

But the other day as I was fighting to stay awake while nursing, I looked down to see this view.

He reaches his hand up onto my breast and you can sometimes hear him guzzling milk down. Then as he finishes eating, he relaxes into his dreamy “milk coma”.

He gives me the occasional sleepy smile, sometimes even opening his eyes to peak up at his mommy.

And even though I am exhausted, the sweetest feeling of love and admiration sweeps over me. I am overfilled with love for this baby boy.

But I know that the love doesn’t come from me alone. It’s a more pure, selfless love than I personally feel. I know that God has blessed me with a small glimpse of how he feels about baby Peter, how he feels about me, of how he so completely loves every one of his children.

So even though it brings days of exhaustion and perhaps repetition, I feel so blessed to feel the SWEETNESS of motherhood. To look into this baby boy’s eyes and tell him how much I love him. 

I get to help this pure spirit come to earth. I get to provide him with a loving home. I get to see Carter become a wonderful daddy.

I am humbled, blessed, and so grateful for this sweet experience God has granted me.