I have heard over and over again that the first year of marriage is the hardest. With financial stresses, busy lives, and the reality of life, I was not surprised to hear this. Knowing that marriage brings many adjustments and mountains to climb, I was expecting some hard times.
I saw small glimpses as Carter and I were dating and then engaged. We had our struggles to work through. We had our differences. I got a little worried making our wedding registry, when suddenly I realized how many things inside our home we’d have to agree on. I remember stressing so much about our bedspread color… I wanted something light- preferably white. Carter wanted something dark and practical. A similar issue with towels and rugs. Somehow in the five years of dating, we hadn’t managed to discuss our potential future home.
I won’t deny it brought on some frustration. We spent our engagement at separate schools, doing most of our registry online, over-the-phone using split screen on our laptops. Maybe it would have been easier had we been together at the store going through registry items. But we were stuck doing it over the phone. And I won’t deny that I nearly shed a tear or two over duvet covers and bathroom towels.
And then there was my psychology class telling me that getting married was one of the GREATEST stressors people experience in life. That the added stress could contribute to mental and physical health. That my immune system would be weaker because of all the changes.
Getting to this point had been hard enough for Carter and I. I had had my moments of doubt. We had had our relationship struggles and several near break-ups the summer prior to getting engaged. But somehow we had gotten to this point and knew that it was right. But the stresses and worries about that first year seemed to only pile up!
Our wedding day was set for the Friday after finals. It would have been several weeks since we’d last seen each other. Then Carter would move up from school and I’d finish my last final on Wednesday. We’d do our last minute preparations on Thursday. Then Friday we’d be sealing the deal. I was way stressed about being apart so much prior to the wedding. We’d been two hours apart our entire engagement and wedding planning process. Then suddenly we’d be together every moment, with a whole slew of changes to adjust to at once.
Yikes.
But the wedding day came and went seamlessly. Several weeks into marriage, I remember marveling at how easy the transition seemed to be. That not for a single moment had things felt weird, unatural, awkward, or forced. For almost every day of our now 15 months of marriage, I have marveled at this. Married life is wonderful. I finish most days filled with immense gratitude that I’m married to my best friend. And every moment with Carter is a reminder of how blessed I am.
But I know this isn’t the case for everyone. For most, marriage only marks the beginning of your trials. And regardless of your relationship prior to the “I do’s” there are some major adjustments to be made. But Carter and my marriage goes to show how wonderful the first year of marriage can be. It doesn’t have to be the hardest year of your life. It will have its ups and downs. But hopefully our experiences can help you LOVE and CHERISH your first year (or whatever year you are now in!) rather than just get through it.
Be honest about who you are BEFORE you say “I do”. You see this all the time. In the early doughy-eyed moments of a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior. More patient, more forgiving, more understanding. I understand wanting to be desirable. But don’t commit to behaviors you’re not ready to live! By all means, be the best you can be. But actually be it. Only be who you are ready to be forever, because a sweet, loving fiance who becomes lazy and selfish after marriage is not going to make a happy one.
Talk about the hard things before marriage. There are so many things we wish we could sweep under the rug. So many things we put off, assuring ourselves they’ll be easier when the moment presents itself. But this is THE BIGGEST mistake! Sure you will have to make hard decisions and have hard discussions as they come up, but if you can talk about these things prior to marriage and before the heat of the moment, you will save yourself SO MANY heated arguments! Talk about the obvious, like finances and kids, but also consider the less obvious. Vacations. Pets. Home decor. Obviously changes in your perspectives will come, but if you start in unity, minor changes will be so much easier.
Talk about intimacy before (and after) the wedding night. Carter and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We did not have sex before marriage, and I know for many members of our church this is a HUGE struggle after marriage. It can be awkward, and some might even feel like they shouldn’t talk about it. But I am SO GRATEFUL that Carter and I had some of these somewhat awkward conversations before our wedding day. Being open about expectations and talking about intimacy before the wedding day made the honeymoon much more comfortable! Same with talking openly from that day forward… it is an important part of marriage and if you shy away from talking about what you both need, you are only digging yourself into a hole! For those who are members of our church (or others who have waited until marriage) and are squirming as they read this, consider reading some of these awesome talks on intimacy in marriage. (Alone and with your Fiance/spouse)
Even if you have been living together or been intimate before marriage, continue to be open about your needs. Men and women are different, and you both need to stop and listen to the needs of each other. On day one and year 50. Keep listening and be open to change!
Be ready to talk about your differences. This one is so hard for me. For so long in our dating life I struggled with not wanting to hurt Carter’s feelings. Holding things in would sour my mood, Carter would eventually find out what my issue was, and then the problem was made so much bigger than it had to be. This has happened SO MANY times. But I am finally (though still slowly) starting to figure it out. As hard as it can be, just talk about it. Bring things up before you crack. Things will go much better if you calmly ask her to put her straightener away in the mornings than if you passive agressively hint that he’s playing video games too often.
Don’t hold back on saying “I love you”. Let each other know how you feel. You have to get through harder things once you’re married. Don’t miss out on the moments to say and show that you love each other.
Make time for each other. This one has been hard this first year. Last summer Carter was working grave shifts all week and I worked graves and afternoons. It was SO HARD because we wanted to spend time with each other, but were also trying to make and save money. Last semester was still really hard, as we were doing school and working nearly full time. We are trying to pinch our pennies! But through it all, we have to be careful not to get too caught up in saving money. We have had to find a balance. To realize that making money will NEVER buy a happy marriage. Learning to sacrifice a bigger paycheck is paying off as it allows us to keep our marriage strong. This is a balance we’ll ALWAYS have to work out, but is SO WORTH the payoff 🙂
There is so much more. I could write on and on about what has and hasn’t helped our marriage. But every marriage is different and unique. Find what works for you, but keep working at it! I am married to my absolute best friend. Carter and I love each other so much. Every day is a blessing 🙂 And I hope those other marriages reading this can find some inspiration and keep working to find what works for them 🙂
