I called my baby grumpy. He was fussing his hungry cry as I was trying to change his soiled clothes before lunch.
As soon as the words came out I wanted to take them back. I wanted him to know that his feelings are valid. That we all get frustrated, upset, and hangry. His emotions are real and so important. I want him to feel because that makes him human.
Moments later, the playful words came out “you’re being such a stinker”.
I was caught in the same trap again. Do I want my baby’s emotions to define him? Will I teach him that it’s not ok to cry when he needs to cry? How do we tackle these habits that are so deeply ingrained?
I don’t want my babies to feel like their emotions define them, but I want them to embrace emotion.
The English grammar structure that says “I am angry” or “I am happy” leads us to believe that we are our emotions. When I have a hard day, my frustration consumes me, engulfed by this idea that my surroundings and circumstances force me to be BE frustrated while in reality, it’s just a feeling. I prefer the structure of many other languages, “I have anger”.
While I don’t want my emotions to consume me, I also want to allow myself to feel deeply. Emotions have their purpose. They make us human. They tell us when something is wrong, painful, or difficult. They allow us to experience joy, love, and peace. You can’t experience the beauty without also experiencing the pain.
I want my children to know that their feelings are a gift. That those deep feelings allow us to connect with others. Like sturdy redwoods, they are deep roots that dig down and interconnect, giving us strength to stand. We must acknowledge our emotions, allow ourselves to feel deeply, but rather than being consumed and allowing that emotion to consume us, we can look it in the eye and ask why.
Something that yoga has taught me (and I am still struggling with) is to be mindful of my emotions. Be aware. Give them place inside of me. Acknowledge and allow myself to feel them. But also to look past the label that emotion has been given.
What does my anger feel like? A racing heart? A flushed face? What is my body saying?
Why am I getting distressed? Why am I frightened? Strip it down to its bare bones. What is my body trying to tell me? My mind? What do I need to do differently to restore my body to a state of equilibrium?
We can also look at the underlying actions and attitudes that lead to certain emotions. If you find you constantly feel angry, look to the source. Perhaps a shift in perspective, behavior, or surroundings can help you to cultivate more positive feelings.
Don’t push away your feelings. Listen to what they are telling you. Act accordingly. This doesn’t mean that you let anger control you or fear prevent you from living life fully. It means respecting your body’s innate wisdom, taking the time to listen, and acting mindfully as a result.
I LOVE this book that I got to read for a class last year. Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn is all about “using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness”. It is AMAZING!
I had one chapter in particular come to mind while writing this post- “Your suffering is not you”. How perfect, right??
Just a few quotes that speak amazing wisdom to me…
“As with physical pain, our emotional pain is also trying to tell us something. It, too, is a messenger. Feelings have to be acknowledged, at least to ourselves. They have to be encountered and felt in all their force. There is no other way through to the other side of them. If we ignore them or repress them or suppress them or sublimate them, they fester and yield no resolution, no peace. And if we exaggerate them and dramatize them and preoccupy ourselves with their turmoil without any awareness of what we are doing, they also linger on and cause us to become stuck”
“The intentional knowing of your feelings in times of emotional suffering contains in itself the seeds of healing”.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. Full Catastrophe Living
Take responsibility for what you are feeling. Accept what is happening in your life right now. Clearly something is leading you to feel this way.
“Relating to your pain consciously, as long as it is here anyway, allows you to be a participant in your feelings rather than a victim of them”.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. Full Catastrophe Living
Recognize that, while painful and perhaps persistent, all painful feelings will eventually subside.
“You can be certain that a resolution will come, that what you are experiencing is like the crest of a wave–it can’t keep itself up indefinitely– it has to release.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. Full Catastrophe Living
Have compassion for yourself. Cultivate compassion toward others so you don’t increase the pain. What specific steps can lead to increased happiness?
This is what I want my sweet baby boy to know. That his emotions do not define him. His suffering is not who he is. He doesn’t have to feel happy every moment to live a happy life and be a happy person. His feelings can be one of the greatest teachers if he gives the credit they’re worth.
